HE SAYS, SHE SAYS, AND THE DOCTOR SAYS

My wife often makes me feel guilty for watching sports. What can I do to let her know I’m not choosing sports over her, yet still be able to watch what I want?  

He Says…
You have asked a question that many sports fans have been trying to figure out for a long time.  At least you feel guilty.  Many men don’t.  Which is worse?

Think about it, you’re sitting on the couch, remote in one hand, beer in the other.  She is probably doing chores around the house, taking care of the kids, etc.  And while she works she is constantly walking by to see if you’ve moved a muscle, thinking in her head how lazy you are.  Get the picture.  On the other hand, how is it different if you walk by her and she is reading for long periods of time, shopping on the internet, or working on the computer.  Is that OK?

Basically, any personal hobbies that you do not share with your loved one can make you and them feel isolated, and perhaps that is where the guilt is coming from.  You are consciously doing something that you know your significant other does not enjoy, especially because sports lasts 2-3 hours per game.

Many non-fans just don’t understand why it’s important for you to watch the games live.  And balancing the “my time, your time, our time” cards is an act you’ll be working on for the rest of your life.  You must communicate ahead of time and let her know what you have planned.  Find out what she had planned.  Then compromise. 

Then do it again the next time and the time after that.  That’s what makes relationships last.  And that’s the hard part

She says…
I am not really sure what your wife is doing to make you feel guilty, but it seems to me that she is feeling emotionally neglected or insecure.  Some women need consistent and daily reassurance when it comes to their intimate relationships. Yes, even if you are married. 

I suggest that you tell her that you are not choosing sports over her and then you need to show her.  This means plan ahead of time. If you need to watch a game, let her know with plenty of notice.  Then ask her what she would like to do for "quality-time” (“us-time") before or after the day of the game. 

It’s important to show appreciation and gratitude towards your wife on the days that you have spent on the couch watching sports.  Show her by giving her a hug and kiss and telling her that you are grateful for her being understanding of your need to watch sports.  Believe me, there is nothing better than using positive reinforcement to start a pattern.   I think this is an obstacle that you can work out with communication and putting forth the intention of having a loving and understanding relationship.

The Dr. says…

Okay, let's review appropriate male survival responses during conflict: "Yes, Dear.  You're right. I'm sorry."  Just keep in mind three things that will help: Diamonds, Flowers, Chocolate in that order unless you are under the red PMS warning flag in which case you could try the reverse order.  However, most likely whatever you try will not work.

The operative term here is "wife", not "girlfriend", "friend with benefits" or other such euphemisms.  The following translates to any language, to any culture, and to any location. Happy Wife, Happy Life, Feliz Espousa, Feliz Vida, etc.  

No one can make you "feel" any particular emotion.  Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it.  You obviously are feeling like YOU are not doing the right thing.  Put on your big boy pants and deal with it.

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